Untold
by Saraste
Summary: Inuyasha has kept a secret from Miroku. How will the lovers face tragedy as it strikes? Will there be a happy ending for them?
1. Chapter 1

Title: Untold

Author: Saraste

Pairing: inumir

Rating: PG-13

Genre: mpreg, dark angst (fufufu...)

Warnings: mpreg, dark!angst

Wordcount: 935

A/N: Originally written in the space of two weeks in October-November 2008.

* * *

I can't tell him.

And I should. I glance at him, smiling and laughing, care free and happy. I can't do this to him. Will he mind? What will he say?

I have to tell him.

Have to have to have to. Yes. It is the only way. He's already noticing. I hide the sickness from him, the tiredness. And yet he's noticed. And he's worried. For me. And, I'd like to think, for what we've created together.

We couldn't have known, couldn't have known it would come to this. The most unexpected thing. I only ever believed the stories when it happened to me. Our baby. Growing inside me. Months now and yet he doesn't know. Need to tell. Need to. Can't keep it a secret for much longer.

I sit by him as we spend the evening around the fire. Their faces look at us and they smile. Who'd thought they'd have found happiness in each other? Fingers curled and giggles, smiles and happy faces. They're happy and we're happy. I'm gonna wreck it all, I know I will. He'll be disgusted with me. We never talked. He's free now so there isn't a need for an heir to carry on his vengeance.

How do I know he'll want a baby now?

He doesn't know I can have babies. That we could. My hand steals to my tummy out of it's own will and I smile. He smiles back at me. He doesn't know we can create babies together. I'm sure it will be cute and pretty, like you are, monk.

My Miroku.

I should tell and yet I choose not to, not yet. I will wait. I'm a coward, I know. I should tell and yet I won't. The chatter around me is voiceless, just noise without origin. Without meaning. Just your smile and hand on mine as it slips away from my stomach.

I want to tell you.

"What's the matter?" You ask. It's only your voice that I hear. Your face that I see. The others are part of the blur now. Some thing's not right, I know it isn't. You frown and my smile vanishes. Everything blurs, a mess, I can't see or hear.

Just your panicked call.

"_Inuyasha!"_

_* * * *_

I see you, smiling at me, holding my hand.

My Inuyasha.

There's something that's been troubling you, has been for weeks and weeks. And yet you won't tell me. Won't tell me where it is that you ache, you hurt, won't tell me the ache of your heart.

For I know it's about your heart, your soul. The way I sometimes catch you looking at me. Lost and scared. Then you see that I see and turn away. I kiss, I ask, I coax. But nothing makes you talk. Nothing. And I'm left clueless as to what ails you, hurts you, pains you.

And then you smile and it's all all right again.

We cuddle in the night and I can feel a shift in you. I become scared. What if you want to leave me? Do you think I don't love you any more? Is that it? That I don't want you any more? Because that's simply not true. Can't you not see and feel how I want you with every ounce of my being? How my very breath screams your name, my skin feeling your touch even when it's not there? You have branded me for life, my beautiful exquisite hanyou and I'm not running away.

I will hold onto you until there is no breath in me to spare. Until the very last moment when darkness takes me and lets me rest in a natural passing, as I hope even with the violence of this world, and I know you'll weep at my grave. Our very last goodbye carrying you through the life which no more has me in it.

Not until then will I let go of you. I will fight tooth and claw for you if I must, holding onto you with my very dying breath if I must.

I will not let you go, I _will_ not!

You smile at me and I ask, preparing myself, my hand holding yours, the warmth of it comforting me. They are silent across the fire, knowing the seriousness of the moment. They know I am anxious, and have seen the change in you. So I start to cross the gap.

"What's the matter?" My voice is soft and I hold your gaze with mine. Your eyes look at me first and then they aren't focused any more. Your hand slips from me as you fall.

I panic.

"Inuyasha!"

I'm by your side, an eternity as you keel over, your body falling backwards, limp. This is not. What is happening? I can't...

The girls are by me. My hand on his forehead the other on his hand. His hand is limp and his brow hot. I cannot bear to think what ails you my love.

"Inuyasha?!" They are beside us now, looking for any obvious injury. There is none.

"What is wrong with him?!" Is that my voice, strained and begging, almost angry, accusing. Like it's their fault he's like this.

And how I fear that it's mine.

Deft and quick hands search, prod and brows frown. Sango's the expert here, I cannot rule her judgement out.

"What is wrong with him?" I ask again, squeezing his unresponsive hand. I do not like this at all. He's never like this. I send a prayer to Buddha to keep him safe. Keep him safe.

And then it comes, the inevitable crash.

"He's bleeding..."


	2. Chapter 2

Title: Untold 02

Author: Saraste

Pairing: inumir

Rating: PG-13 (from me? never!LOL)

Genre: mpreg, dark angst (fufufu...)

Warnings: see above

Wordcount: 779

A/N: Was inspired by tasuki's latest.^^ I'm sorry dear. I am evil.

25/10/2008

He's crying.

Why is he crying? Where am I? Hands around me, his hands. Warm. Why? I passed out. The baby?! I lurch up and fall back down, dark spots in my eyes.

"Lay down Inuyasha..." I hear his voice.

It's soothing. I don't like it, it's too soothing. Too much, too much. I open my eyes. I look into his and it comes down. I look away for the knowledge, the raw truth in his eyes is too much. I can feel the emptiness inside.

He's crying.

I cry.

Sobs first then I'm wailing. I cannot understand. Is this a punishment for my not telling him? Is it?

Why couldn't we have kept the baby? I ache. I'm sore and my soul is numb. There are only the tears and the arms around me as I cry.

"Why didn't you tell me?" he sobs as he cradles me close, jars my aching body but I don't care. The pain is what I deserve for failing.

"It isn't true..." I wail. There's nothing I can say. Nothing to ease his pain.

I fade back into nothing again with his cries in my ears. There's nothing for me but to welcome the darkness which took my child. I am unworthy of his love.

I failed.

I'm not good enough. Impure. Damaged. Half and half. Not good enough to carry his child. And yet I'm jolted back by his insistent hands. His ragged breath.

"Don't you dare go too! Inuyasha!" you scream at my face. And I'm there, in your arms as we mourn what never was.

* * *

I cry by him.

I know what he was hiding now. And I so wish he'd told me. Had opened his heart to tell me and let me join in our happiness. Why didn't he? As I look at him I cannot do nothing but weep. Weep for the child we lost.

Just weep.

They've left us with tears in their eyes .I keep vigil by his side as he comes to. He asks. He asks and I have nothing to comfort him with. He cries as he knows. That it's gone. There is no child within to hide any more.

There is no child of which to rejoice about.

Dead.

I stroke your mane as we cry our sorrow, glad that I didn't loose you too. For if that ever happened, I'd not be sure how I'd manage. How I'd cope. There'd be nothing for me after I lost you. Funny how I can think of holding onto you until I die but can't bear the though of losing you. I'm selfish.

Maybe that is why you never told me?

Why couldn't you have seen the blessing the child was? You'd have had something that was both of us when I'm gone... And now, nothing. I still can't comprehend. It's too sudden. Too sudden news, too sudden a loss.

And we cry, and we mourn.

The heavens weep with us when you recover and we visit the baby's grave. It's simple and adorned with flowers, their wordless support. You break down and we are soaked. But we don't care. For it is only mundane. We'll mourn for our lost child and keep him in our hearts.

* * * *

You smile at me. A rarity these days. I lay by your side and sigh. The pain is still there. And I know you will ask. Will ask what I don't want to answer, not yet, maybe not ever.

But you will and I cannot stop you.

"Why didn't you tell me?" you ask and the smile fades as sorrow takes hold. A choked sob escapes me and you hold onto me, brittle still, you're the strong one. I'm the weak. The weak hanyou who couldn't keep your baby alive.

"I though you'd be disgusted... I'm a man..." I admit. My shame. My quilt. My sorrow.

You grip me tightly and cry. We are frozen in the moment. Frozen in each others embrace. Together against the world.

"Inuyasha... I'd have loved any child we create together..." You choke.

And we realize our folly. I realize my folly.

"Please don't let anything come between us again..." you ask. "Never..."

I can but cry.

We've lost but maybe the future won't be so bad. We'll remember. We'll mourn and have a bitter sweet memory. We'll love and trust.

We kiss.

"You'll need to have something from me when I'm gone..." you whisper as we're apart, as you unfold my cloth, as you reveal me. As you forgive my lie. As I vow for the truth with every strangled sigh you elicit in me.

As you love me.

And for now it's enough.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: Untold 03

Author: Saraste

Pairing: inumir

Rating: PG-13 (from me? never!LOL)

Genre: mpreg, dark angst (fufufu...)

Warnings: see above

Wordcount: 1121

A/N: Originally written and published in 26/10/2008 for the livejournal community inumir. Inspired by a fic by Tas.

* * *

I can see you fret. This won't be like last time love, promise. And yet I really cannot, can I? For no power I have can prevent the inevitable, if tragedy again is our fate, our doom our fall. All I can do is offer my support, my love, my assurances.

And yet I, too, am afraid. Afraid that calamity will strike again, that the gods will withhold this miracle from us a second time. That they will see fit to wrench this away from us again, and leave us, empty shells to suffer in silence.

I hold you close at all times when I can, my hand resting around your belly, protecting the life within.

Time flies.

We are past the time when tragedy struck last. We go to our little one's grave and offer our mourning to him, assuring that he'll not be forgotten, praying what deities there are to keep this one safe.

It's been almost a year since then. The loss was quick and painful, the ache now lessened but never gone. And the fear ever present. In our minds, our thoughts. Our hearts. Gnawing at what should be happiness, crumbling away long days of waiting.

I can see the fear in your eyes.

No kiss, no embrace, no caress can make it disappear. It won't. It persists. It's a blemish on our happiness.

Fear.

* * *

It's easier this time. But more frightening. He knows and is happy, more than I am for he... He didn't feel it last time, that frail thing slipping away from me. It's been a year but the pain hasn't gone all away. It lingers and poisons my heart.

I fear for the new life within.

I'm past the time of last time. My heart feels less heavy now. As does his. Whatever he says can't make this right, nor can his affection. Not until it's born safely and well into it's first century will I ever not fear, I think.

I try to enjoy this with no fear but I can't.

I look into his eyes and see a reflection. It's spread. And I'm the source. You hold me close and make me feel wanted, your hand trying to protect the life within, laying it over my belly. And it comforts.

I think we can manage this. Maybe. With you by mu side.

And yet I fear.

What if I can't? What if it goes off again this time? What if I keep on getting with child and it keeps on going off? Will he leave me after two? Or five? Or ten? How long will he wait until he deems me unfit to bear his child?

Our child.

More our child than last time. He only loved that one for the day it came and died. This one... he's enraptured. I know it will hurt him more if it goes. It wasn't my first death. It will be harder on him a second time. And yet he's with me and everything can be allright. It can? It can?

"Do you love me?" I ask, again and again.

He holds me close, our skin touching, our limbs entangled. He holds me and kisses.

"I've loved you forever Inuyasha... And this..." A hand on my belly, touching what is there and which I fear for.

"I'm afraid..." I admit, shutting myself off.

He holds my face and looks into my eyes.

"We'll get through this..." He promises and I want to believe him. I so want to. Yet death is hovering near, I can feel it and it chills me, chills me to the core.

* * *

Months now. He is round and carries it with grace.

I smile at him and help him sit down by the river and hear the water. He lays his head on my chest and sighs. He's still anxious. Still worried and fearful. I think it will never pass.

My hands lay on his belly round with our child, hoping it will be safe. It is safe, cocooned inside his body. Shielded and loved. So loved.

They visit and squeal over him and he lets them. The cloud of fear is still over him, the darkness within never fully gone. And yet he smiles, talks and laughs. I thought I'd never hear him laugh again. It is joyous.

And then he looks at me and it all stops and I'm beside him.

But the look isn't fear but infinite awe. And I'm not fretting, only inquisitive as I lay my hand over his while they hush to the sides, giving us this, giving us the space we need because of our loss.

"It moved..." You say in a hushed whispers, as if being loud would temps fate and rouse ill will. You utter the words like a prayer. And we are crying.

Crying for the joy and wonder which is our child, our unborn child within.

It is still some weeks until I feel it. And it takes my breath away. I know now it is alive and how alive! And I love it and you more day by day. Falling asleep to the movements of our child and waking to them by morning.

We can do this, I think. We'll make it work.

* * *

I fear more than before.

If it goes it will crush me. He doesn't know. I hide it well. I felt the movement. Butterflies in my belly. And it was a jolt, a lightning strike. It's alive in me and I'm responsible for keeping it safe.

What if I can't?

It scares me more than I can tell you. And yet I keep it in, most of it in. So you don't fret. So you can feel the joy of becoming a dad. Like you should be. I'm not to refuse that from you. And yet in the nights I cry and you're always there and you know.

Know I'm fearing another loss.

And you hold me and tell it'll be allright. And I do wish it will be so. It needs to be so. Otherwise...

Your fingers trail patterns on my belly as we fall asleep, feeling it growing in me. Loving us. As I love you. And I love our child even more than you. A stubbornness wells in me. I will not let this one die. It will live and be as pretty as you are. It has to be.

* *

You are ripe now. Blooming with our child and the worry still there. They are here for the birth. Waiting and waiting.

And then, in the middle of night it comes. You shove me awake with a cry and the bedding is a pool of blood.

I'm wake to yet another nightmare...


	4. Chapter 4

Title: Untold 04

Author: Saraste

Pairing: inumir

Rating: PG-13 (from me? never!LOL)

Genre: mpreg, dark angst (fufufu...)

Warnings: see above

Wordcount: 719

A/N: Originally published 11/11/2008.

* * *

And then it is over, the dream gone and reality present.

And what a reality. Something so dreamlike as could never be true, and yet it is. It's the utterly wonderful reality that I've only ever tasted with you. But this is really beyond comparison with anything we've gone through. Good and bad. I feel life is smiling to us again, showing us that there is something good in all of this. That something can be gained through hardships like our. Something utterly unexpected...

Precious...

I smile as I look at you, exhausted but happy. Hand stroking your moist brow as you beam up at me with the most beatific smile I have ever seen. I smile. My heart is bursting. For this moment, this sliver of happiness is almost more than what I can bear.

I hear the most precious sound in the world. The cry of our child. I cannot contain myself any more and cry, tears of happiness down my cheeks as I let it out.

In truth, I'd not dared hope this day would come, your fears deep within me too.

Yet here it is, happiness after the scare. You've lost blood but our child is alive and well, as you shall be after your rest. And you hold what is most precious in your weary arms as I hold you, watch you both with my heart swelling with with boundless love and adoration.

We have a son.

You've given me a son. It was long and you were in pain but you were determined. Determined and so scared. And I couldn't take it away. Nothing soothed you until you held him. And heard him utter his first cry.

Then you were at peace.

It wasn't going to end in tragedy. You drifted off and I simply held you. And now you're wake and look at me and look at him and the love I feel is more than I can bear.

We're complete again.

We will never forget our little one, never. But with our son, the ache has lessened. We've made life and it's ours. And it's loved.

* *

It's over now.

Hours of pain and blood. I think I crushed his hand. It's all a haze, over so quick and yet took an eternity. But you were there and it helped. You cried me through the worst. And held me as I broke and fell.

I was scared and in pain. But it's all gone. All gone as I have him in my arms. Have him in my arms as I look at you, look at you smiling and crying. Our son crying his lungs out, greeting the world and showing us how very alive he is. And a stone is away from my heart as I listen to him and cry through my smile.

We have a son.

Through all the pain and fear and anxiety, we have a son. You gave him to us, to me, and I gave him to you. I cannot but marvel that he is here.

That there wasn't tears and tragedy and a small grave to visit like last time. That the fearful anticipation, the waiting would end in tears. Leaving us with nothing but each other to patch our wounded hearts.

But it isn't yet over.

I cry out, pain gripping me and you take him and it's all a blur. Pain. Pain again, throbbing and persistent. I was given a short reprieve only, now I will---

But it isn't a tragedy after all.

* *

He gasps suddenly and cries out in pain. I take the baby, crying and look at him. I look at them and then it's evident.

We have another...

A beautiful girl, crying her first cry. I look at you and what I felt, what I feel when I hold my son and my daughter, our children... There is no comparison. We've been twice blessed, have gone through tragedy but will not forget that sad day.

But this, now... This will take our attention.

"I love you Inuyasha..." I say, choking.

You look at me with a weary smile, your golden eyes filled with tears.

"I love you Miroku..."

And then we are engrossed with our children. And it is good. We are a little more whole now. We are a family.


End file.
